


Tainted

by ErickaHowlter



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Worship, Boys Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tender Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26575579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErickaHowlter/pseuds/ErickaHowlter
Summary: What can you do when the one thing you swore you would take to the grave is threatening to split your relationship apart?What can you do when you can feel the love of your life slipping through your fingers?
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 57
Kudos: 105





	1. Wish You Knew

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! ❗
> 
> Please note that this will contain mentions of self-harm and of attempted suicide. So if this subject triggers you, by all means don't read. 
> 
> I've had this idea for a while stuck I'm my mind but I hadn't been able to just sit down and write, and my writing is definitely veeeeerryyy rusty so please bear with me.  
> Hopefully it gets better as the story advances.

_"Binnie i can't... I'm sorry"_ Soobin came to expect the words by now with how often he was hearing them. 

They have been together for four months and their relationship had been progressing into something more physical, or at least it had been for a while until they seemed to have reached a wall they couldn't move pass. 

Heavy make-out sessions were common, hands wandering underneath shirts were safe territory, even some ass groping had happened. But when the time for their clothes to actually come off came, his boyfriend always said the same 5 words... "Binnie i can't... I'm sorry"

To be honest Soobin wasn't even mad, _worried_ would be a more accurate word. _Was his boyfriend not attracted to him? Was Yeonjun regretting getting together with him?_

"It's okay baby" He tried to reassure as Yeonjun was trying to climb out of his lap which would've been easier if not for the death grip he had on Soobin's hands, it was clear that he was struggling with deciding how to procede so Soobin decided to help. 

"Baby? Can you please stay?" He asked with the softest voice he could manage in fear of making the situation worse. 

"I can't ... I need to... I-" Yeonjun was panicking, and he couldn't have that. "Please don't push me away. You know we don't have to do anything, I would never pressure you into anything, but I need you to talk to me. Tell me what's going on?" He knew he sounded desperate. 

"Nothing is going on" Yeonjun was quick to interrupt. "Hyung... I'm not stupid you know? I can see that something is bothering you and I really want to help you, but I can't do that if you keep running away" He pleaded. 

The atmosphere in the room felt heavier by the second and they stayed silent for what felt like hours, though it was probably only a couple of minutes. Finally he felt his boyfriend deflate in his lap, as if all the fight had left his body. 

"There's just some things about me that you don't know, and honestly I don't know if I'm ready for you to know..." He whispered. 

"You know you can tell me anything right? I love you no matter what and nothing could ever change that Hyung" He said while rubbing little circles on his boyfriend's hands in what he hoped was a soothing motion. 

"I just don't know if you'll be able to say the same after you know bunny. I'm so scared" his boyfriend sounded so tiny and Soobin just wanted to hold him and protect him from everything. But he waited instead and after a few more seconds the older was finally looking at him and not at the comforter they were sitting at, avoiding his gaze. Part of Soobin wished he had kept looking at the comforter because his boyfriend's eyes were bloodshot and it was clear that he was struggling to hold his tears back. It was breaking his heart seeing the love on his life in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it. 

"I will baby, it took me so long to finally get you. Trust me when I say there's nothing you could say to me that will change my mind" He didn't know what else he could say to make Yeonjun believe him, to make him see how he meant every word. So he just dislodged their hands and instead pulled him to his chest.

They stayed like that for a while, and even though the feeling wasn't as heavy as before something inside Soobin was telling him that this was bigger than he had initially thought. And if his boyfriend wasn't feeling like talking right now, he would wait. He didn't know what would come their way, but he was certain that he would stay with Yeonjun no matter what. He could wait forever. 

At some point Yeonjun had stopped crying while he was softly rubbing his back, Soobin felt like the proper thing to do was to rest. But before he could suggest that they get ready for bed, his boyfriend beat him to it. 

"I'm really tired binnie, I think I'm going to go to my room tonight" Soobin was so dumbfounded he couldn't even manage words, he could just stare as the older got off the bed and walked towards the door. 

"I just need some time to think things through" was the last thing he heard before the door was closed and darkness was the only thing with him in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... There goes chapter one.. Thoughts?
> 
> If you read it and are looking forward to the rest of the story, thank you in advance. ❤
> 
> English is not my first language and I guess you can tell, so if I made any mistakes please let me know. See you soon!


	2. Clouded Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, chapter two here we are! i feel way better about this chapter than the last one but i needed an introduction so...
> 
> Again, please mind the tags and the warnings because even though i'm not super explicit, i do mention delicate stuff that might cause you to have unwanted feelings if you've ever been through something similar. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

He knew he was fucked up okay? He was self-aware enough to admit that. 

The thing is, he genuinely couldn't think of a scenario where things could've gone differently…

All things considered, he had an almost perfect life. He was living his dream of being an idol and he was a successful one, he had 3 friends that loved him unconditionally and he had been dating the love of his life for months after years of pining. Key-word “almost perfect”.

Because even with all of the good he had going on for him and the amount of love that surrounded him; he still had days when his hands wouldn’t stop shaking, when he felt like screaming but words would refuse to come out, and nights where his chest was so tight he could barely draw air into his lungs and where this constricting pain would be the only reminder that he was alive.

Pretending was something he had gotten used to pretty soon in life, not only because cameras and people who were watching his every move were a constant in his life, but because pretending was easier than admitting how fucked up he really was, and acknowledging it out loud would do no one any good. He had an image to maintain, a group to look out for and a boyfriend to care for.

If he acknowledged it everything might change, and he just couldn’t risk it.

Besides, he had everything under control.

Through the years he had mastered some things…The long sleeves, the dark pants, never wearing shorts, the secret pouch on the backpack he always carried that contained bandages in case things went south.

Everything calculated and thought out so that his secret would be safe. 

And it had been so long since he had been doing it, that now he didn’t even give it much thought. It was just a part of him that he had learnt to live with.

The thing is, with dating Soobin came the heart-wrenching fact that if this thing between them kept going, he wouldn’t be the only one having to live with it anymore and honestly he was scared of how it would end. Because he knew his boyfriend was right, he had been avoiding the subject and running away from Soobin everytime he felt like his secret was in danger.

Which might just be the most ridiculous thought his brain had provided him with (and that’s saying a lot, because his brain had a tendency to make him believe a lot of stupid shit) since he had never felt safer than when he was in Soobin’s arms. 

_God_ , he had been sitting in the corner of his room running his thoughts again for what felt like hours, while said boyfriend was probably thinking that Yeonjun didn’t want him even though that couldn’t be further from the truth.

He was so stupid. A coward.

Because after what had happened Yeonjun knew his options were limited: He could either let his secrets come between them, or he could open up and pray to all the gods he believed in that Soobin wouldn’t bolt out the door and out of his life once he found out.

And while both options were causing him a head-ache, he knew that he just wouldn’t be able to live with himself if the former happened.

With a tight chest and a new found determination he finally made his way to the bed. He just hoped sleep would come easy tonight so tomorrow his mind would be clearer.

  


〰🦊🐰〰

3 years ago:

 _“You are so annoying, I wish I didn’t have to live with you”_

He knew the words were coming from an empty mouth, he knew he shouldn’t tak them to heart and yet his brain and body were refusing to cooperate with him. 

The only thing he could hear was the loud thump of his heart as it was threatening to come out of his ribcage, and the only thing he could feel was the pain in his chest coming from how constricting it felt. 

He wanted to crawl out of his skin. He wanted this physical reminder that he was here to disappear. 

_Breathe. In. out…breathe._

_One…two…three…in._

_One…two…three…out._

He was so tired, and the lack of air getting to his lungs was making everything more difficult as time passed.

So he made a decision. 

He had read about it before and while he didn’t see how it could help, at this point he had nothing to lose. So with trembling legs he made his way to the bathroom to were his razor was, and oh so carefully he started dismantling it so he could get to the blades.

He didn’t know what he was doing; he just knew he needed the pain to stop and the air to reach his lungs soon. Otherwise he feared he wouldn't see another day. 

That’s how he found himself seconds later with his pants in his ankles and a shaky hand holding a blade. The cut wasn’t painful; in fact, the stinging of it was kinda soothing in a weird way. So he did it again, and again and again.

And a few minutes later his thigh was burning, blood dripping from it and he couldn’t even count the number of gashes that were now adorning it. But the tightness in his chest was gone and for the first time in a very long time he could actually feel the air filling his lungs, he felt very light.

 _Huh._ Seeing the red covering his leg really should be more nerve wrecking but comes as it is, he was just in awe that he had really found a solution to what he thought one day would be the end of him. He had been having panic attacks for years and no matter how many breathing and grounding exercises he had tried, nothing ever did the trick. 

Until now.

Carefully he got up and used some baby wipes to clean the cuts, and after making sure no blood was left on the floor he finally got under the covers. The light friction they made against his wounds was very comforting, and with that thought in mind he finally closed his eyes and slept. 

That night none of the words he was used to hearing even in his sleep made an appearance.

_“worthlesss”_

_“waste of space”_

He felt so peaceful that he couldn´t bring himself to care about the fact that the cuts were still bleeding and making a mess on his sheets. 

A floaty mind and a little burning on his legs was better than a constricted chest after all.

〰🦊🐰〰

When he woke up his head was pounding, it hadn’t been a good night because his mind decided it was not good enough to just think about his current situation with Soobin, but that he in fact needed to be reminded of where it had all gone wrong.

He was like a defective toy.

He was deciding how to go by today when his gaze fell on the little white box that had been on his shelf ever since that day.

 _Lord, please help me make it right._ He thought as he got ready to face what would no doubt be a difficult day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...What are we thinking?
> 
> Please feel free to tell me what you think of the story and where do you think this will go if you are enjoying it.


	3. Worn Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Difficult day huh? Let's see how that goes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, please do mind the tags. I'm sorry if it's annoying that I say it every time I upload a chapter but I would hate for anyone to get triggered. So just be cautious and stay safe❤ 
> 
> Please enjoy!

Difficult day? Yeah... That was an understatement.

It had begun as difficult and somehow it only went downhill from there. 

When Yeonjun had woken up his head was already pounding, but he got out of bed and threw some sweats and a hoodie on (they had dance practice and he had some recording to do for the comeback later in the evening, so nothing that required him to dress _fancier_ ). 

After some time spent trying to collect himself, he went out of his room turned toto where he knew was Soobin's room and at the sight his stomach turned uncomfortably when he rembered what had happened the previous night.

He had fucked up.. _Again_.

Because of course he had pushed his boyfriend away. Just like he had done all of the previous times. 

It was so ironic because there was very little that Yeonjun wanted more than to fully surrender to the younger, to have him touch him and kiss him. To feel him all over and around him, and to be able to do the same in return.

There was just this one little problem. 

A lot of little problems actually; they could physically be seen in the marks that covered certain parts of his body. They testified to the mental turmoil that was constantly keeping him company. 

_Crap_

With a sigh the older made his way to the kitchen following the smell of coffee and something that smelled like sausage? When he arrived he saw all of his members were already there busy making their breakfast. So he quickly composed a smile and hoped he looked at least somehow normal because he sure as hell couldn't manage any questions right now. 

"Oh you are here Hyung!" "Good morning hyung!" Beomgyu and Kai greeted him with a a lot more energy than they should have this early in the morning. 

"Morning everyone" He said fiddling with the hem of his hoodie. The truth is his chest felt a little tight. 

"Do you want breakfast hyung?" Taehuyng asked him with soft voice and a knowing smile. 

Yeonjun could swear that the kid knew more about everyone that he led on and he was torn between being concerned or being comforted.

"No, thank you. I will just take some coffee to sip on our way to the studio" 

The voice that he heard next was everything he feared. Hurt. Cold. Frustrated. 

"Are you not feeling well Hyung?" 

He hated it. Hated the fact that he was the reason why his boyfriend's always sweet and patient voice now sounded _like that_. 

Hated that even when Soobin had every right; and multiple reasons too if he was being honest; to be mad at him, he was still concerned. 

_He didn't deserve him_.

"I'm fine bunny, I'm just not that hungry." And with that he turned to the coffee pot to busy himself so he could pretend that the tension that could be felt in the room maybe wasn't real.

He missed the younger's worried glance. 

〰🦊🐰〰

The ride to the studio was fairly okay. He sat on the back seat next to the window, while Soobin sat at one of the front seats of the van.

He tried not to be too hurt about it. After all, he had asked him for some time to sort things out.

He was starting to doubt if such thing would happen regardless of the amount of time that passed.

The day was pretty gloomy as if it was going to rain and the little rays of sunshine that were coming through the clouds did little to soothe the chill that was settling in his bones.

They made their way to the dance studio and started to get everything ready. Tae and Gyu were getting the music player on and Soobin went to get some water bottles for when they needed to take a break, so he and Kai were just waiting and starting their stretches.

The practice today was specially hard. Maybe it’s because the choreography was very challenging compared to what they were used to, maybe it was because he hadn’t had a good night and his head was still pounding because he didn’t have anything for breakfast or maybe it was due to the fact that he was focusing all of his energy in trying to ignore how his boyfriend was refusing to look at him and that when he spoke to make some comment it seemed as if he was referring only to the other three members.

_Was this really it? The breaking point of them?_

“We should wrap it up here and continue tomorrow, some of us still have other things to do” the leader said with a few claps.

A common sigh of relief was heard in the room and everyone dispersed to gather their things. The younger ones were in a rush to get out of the studio apparently and he knew Soobin had a meeting in the building to arrange the new promotions schedule. He also had the recording to do.

So when the two were left alone to finish putting everything in its place, Yeonjun’s hands started sweating and shaking but he knew he would have to approach the subject sooner or later and that he was the one who had to make the first move. He owed Soobin an explanation.

“Hey bunny?” he whispered. 

Soobin stopped arranging the aux cords and turned to him with a raised eyebrow as in inquiry. 

“I…” _God, when had talking to his boyfriend had become so troublesome?_

“Binnie I-“ he cleared his throat and tried again. “…need to…” 

_His chest was so tight._

Just when the silence was becoming almost suffocating, Soobin’s phone went off letting him know it was time to go to his meeting.

“We’ll talk later. Okay Hyung?” the younger said ever patient. With a sigh he walked to the older who could feel the tension in his chest easing a little at his boyfriend’s closeness. Yet he couldn’t look at him.

He felt a kiss pressed to his temple; barely the brush of lips against his skin. And a few seconds later the door to the studio was closing.

He dropped to the floor.

〰🦊🐰〰

He had been in the studio for about two hours and everything was going so horribly wrong that his options were very limited: curl into a ball and cry or bolt out of the door. 

Well, he couldn't do any of those because he still had to get the recording done and he refused to let the lack of cooperation between his brain and body affect his job. 

"Yeonjun-ah, we have been here for a while and things haven't really improved. So how about we try another day? You can go rest now." The staff in charge of the recording said. 

That felt like a punch to the stomach. 

If there was one thing Yeonjun prided himself in; no matter how fucked up his brain or his life was, was his ability to sing and dance no matter what. 

It's the only thing he knew for sure he could do well. He had to do well.

"I'm really sorry, I don't know what's going on with me today" He apologized and bowed.

"Hey it's okay! We still have plenty of time to record and I know you are under a lot of pressure. So don't sweat it, we'll get there!" 

Though the staff tried to sound reassuring, at this moment he couldn't quite believe it. 

He gathered his things, said his goodbyes to the staff and started making his way to the dorms. 

It was late and the weather wasn't precisely nice but Yeonjun felt like walking was a good option to try and clear his mind. That would give him time. 

Outside the air was very chilly and few drops of rain were starting to fall so he put his hands inside the pocket of his hoodie to try and keep them warm. They were sweaty. 

_Keep it together Choi Yeonjun._

The dorms were relatively close to the studios so it shouldn't have been a problem. Except his brain decided this was the perfect time to remind him of the things he tried so hard to forget. 

_Useless._

_Unwanted._

_Unloved child._

By the time he arrived to the dorms he was not only soaked because of the rain, but also fully shaking and the pain in his chest was unbearable. It felt as if his heart was in his throat. 

He just needed to get to his room. 

"Oh hyung! You are back! How did the recording go?" Kai asked him, clearly excited. 

He could only grunt in response and kept walking. 

Needed. His. Room. 

Behind, two boys were sharing concerned looks while one was already texting the only one they thought would be wanted at the moment. 

Back at his room the air felt suffocating. 

Was the AC not working? No, it was. 

Yet he couldn't seem to draw air into his lungs. His chest was so tight and he couldn't hear anything besides the pounding of his heart in his ears. 

He wanted to scream. To cry. 

_In... Please... Out... 1...2...just let me... 3...In...Out"_

Without registering it he got up and went to grab the little box of the shelf. 

Some seconds later he found himself once again in a familiar scenario. Pants pooled around his ankles, gasps resounding in the room from the effort it was taking to pull the air in and a shaky hand holding a blade. 

The first contact of the metal with the skin was always a shock to his system, it was almost comical how his nervous system reacted. 

The sting of the cut was pleasant to a certain degree and with every new cut his hands shaked a little less...his chest felt a little less compressed. 

Over and over and over. And over again. 

He watched the beads of red running down his thighs and drop to the floor. 

It burned. 

Yet breathing has never been so fucking easy. 

_Ah._

He felt so light. His heart was still threatening to fly out of his ribcage and while he didn't feel okay, this was bearable. 

This he could manage. 

He closed his eyes and layed his head back against the base of his bed. He could clean in a while. 

The older was so out of it he didn't notice the door to his room opening... Nor the gasp that followed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, chapter 3! What are we thinking? It certainly went a little darker than the previous ones. 
> 
> I'm also sorry that I took long to update (I don't know if anyone is actually waiting for updates but oh well). This chapter was specially difficult to write because it hit too close to home. I honestly felt like I would throw up several time while writing it... The irony really. 
> 
> But yeah, I hope you liked it and that you look forward to the next chapter cuz yeah... Things are going down. 
> 
> Guess secrets can't stay secrets forever?


	4. Broken Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo...i'm back again!
> 
> This chapter feels a lot lighter that the past two and i think we really needed a little break from the super heavy stuff before they have "the talk" (i know i needed it)
> 
> I wanted to bring a little of how Soobin experiences it to the story, because i think it was important to show that it is package deal. Good and bad. All.

_Panic._

That was the first thing Soobin felt when he entered his boyfriend’s room and was greeted with the sight of said boy on the ground, eyes closed and legs covered in blood.

Usually panic would send some people to move, to run, to act. But Soobin was part of the group of people that were paralyzed in the face of shocking and unexpected situations. So it took a few dreading minutes until he could force his body to move.

Even then his steps were slow and tentative because as much as he wanted to run to his boy, he was also weirdly apprehensive.

He had a bad feeling in his stomach.

Step. _What happened?_ Step. _The older was covered in blood but didn’t seem to mind._ Step. _He actually seemed pretty undisturbed._

When he got close enough to Yeonjun, the younger had to actually cover his mouth to avoid any sound to come out.

The older’s clothes and hair were wet -probably from the rain- his thighs had long gashes that were still dripping blood, his pants were stained and his hands…his hands were dirty too.  
But the most unsettling part was that next to those fingers he had come to love so much through the years- those fingers that have caressed and comforted him multiple times- there was a little shining blade. 

He felt his soul leave his body as the realization hit him.

“Junnie?” he called out as softly as he could, barely a whisper. He figured the other hadn’t even realized he wasn’t alone in the room anymore since ever since he opened the door he had made no move or sound to acknowledge him.

He cleared his voice and tried again, this time crouching down next to the boy. “Hey baby?” he went for a little caress to the older’s cheek to see if physical contact would break him out of it even though his hands were shaking.

That seemed to do the trick because in the next second a gasp and pair of eyes that showed nothing but alarm were looking at him.

When Yeonjun felt the touch on his skin, everything inside of him crawled. He knew a big storm was coming so he braced himself for the worse as he opened his eyes.

When he saw it was his boyfriend who was with him in the room, he almost wished for a second that it was one of the other members who found out. Because he was used to disappointing people, but he wasn’t able to deal with that look on Soobin’s face.

His beautiful boy who was always so cheery and always had a smile to give now looked pale as if he’d seen a ghost (Ha!), with red rimmed eyes that were looking at him with something Yeonjun couldn’t place just yet.

_He couldn’t._

So he did what any normal person would; he tried to make a run for it.

Emphasis on “try” because in his rush to get out of the situation he forgot his pants were still pooled at his ankles and that his thighs were still tender and hurting.  
So not two steps in, he face-planted on the floor.

Soobin wasn’t expecting that to be the older’s reaction. And when he heard the hiss of pain the other did at moving he hissed too. He felt as if somone was squeezing at his heart.

But this time he was quicker to move and get to the other to help him up.

“Don’t” he pleaded. “please let me help you Hyung” He wasn’t even sure what exactly he was referring to, he just knew he would do anything to make sure the beautiful boy in front of him that at the moment looked so fragile was safe.

With no more words the leader lifted the other in his arms and made his way to the bathroom. The worry in his stomach only amplified by the fact that his boyfriend made no protest or sound at all.  
Yeonjun usually hated it when the others carried him.

Once in the bathroom he placed him delicately on the edge of the tub and started to fill it with warm water.

“Baby, we are going to get you in the bath to get you warm okay?” even he could hear the trembling in his voice but he pushed through. “I’m going to take your clothes off” 

No reply.

As he made his was to remove Yeonjun’s pants and shirt the older was like a rag doll. Barely blinking, silent, only moving when Soobin made him do so. The only indicator that he was a living person and not an actual doll was the way his chest went up and down softly when he breathed.

The only thing left to remove was his underwear but the younger was wary.

This is not how he imagined he would see his boyfriend naked for the first time.

But in sickness and in health, for better and for worse right? Soobin meant it. He meant it all.

So he swallowed around the knot in his throat and went for it, only pausing for a moment when he heard Yeonjun wince in pain at the fabric rubbing on his wounds.

“Sorry” He whispered.

He got up to get Yeonjun on the tub which was filled and steaming by now. But after giving it some thought he decided that he had to clean the wounds first, otherwise the water would turn into a mess and he couldn’t have that. 

Just the idea of seeing the tainted water made him flinch.

The first aid-kid was on the bathroom so it didn’t take long for him to be on his knees gently dabbing with a gauze with antiseptic on the other’s skin.

At that Yeonjun seemed to unfreeze. Like a cold bucket of water he suddenly was too aware of everything going on. He was on his bathroom, totally exposed and uncovered with the person he loved the most on the floor, hands delicately trying to soothe what he himself had done because nothing but this could ease his running mind.

His hand flew out to stop it. He didn’t deserve it. 

“Please don’t. You don’t have to do this” his voice has rough from the lack of use. “i-” _fuck._ “it was…I-” it was like there was cotton in his mouth. _It was on purpose. I did it._ He wanted to scream. To make Soobin see how fucked up he was so he would just run away and stop doing this. 

But Soobin only took his hand tenderly and placed a kiss on his palm. “I know” another kiss to his knuckles. “I know baby, it will be alright”.

Yeonjun wanted to cry all over again. 

He let his boyfriend finish cleaning his mess up, and he let himself be placed on the warm water and even though the heat made the cuts burn, he welcomed it. He hadn’t realized how cold he was until now.  


He allowed himself to take a look at his boyfriend who was sitting on the floor because he refused to leave him alone -the generally giant boy (in an endearing way) now looked so small with his shoulders slumped and head down- and his heart clenched painfully. _He deserves so much better, he shouldn’t have to be dealing with your shit._

Soobin was sitting on the floor, back rested on the tub trying to process everything. The uneasiness he had been feeling for days now finally giving way to a wide range of thoughts and emotions.

_How long has this been going on? Did the other members know? How had he been so blind? Why? Why? Why…?_

He heard the sound of water moving so he looked up. “The water is a little cold now binnie, can I get out?” he tried to give a smile and nodded.

Once he had the older all dried up he got him in a loose shirt so he could sleep confortably and if he pointedly avoided looking to the older’s legs well, that was between him and the turning in his stomach. So they moved to the bed, Yeonjun’s head was on his chest and he had a hand running up and down his back, holding him close.

“Is it okay if I stay hyung?” he asked cautious. Not wanting to push the other and make him uncomfortable.  


“Please don’t leave me binnie” he could see in Yeonjun’s eyes how scared he was. “I won’t, I won’t baby. I’m right here” 

“Binnie…I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry” he was now holding the older’s shirt like a lifeline and Soobin could see how he was fighting the tears that wanted to come out. 

“Shhh! It’s okay hyung. You have nothing to apologize for. We can talk about this tomorrow” Soobin knew neither of them were ready for the conversation at the moment so he opted for just carding his fingers through soft pink hair in what he hoped was a soothing manner.

He could feel his shirt getting wet from the tears that were now falling from Yeonjun’s eyes but he didn’t mind. He was actually relieved to see that the older was letting it out.

After a few minutes of crying and soothing touches Yeonjun fell asleep. Soobin could only imagine how exhausted he must’ve been.

He was exhausted too but he just couldn’t sleep. He kept replaying everything that happened in just a few hours and it was just so much to take. 

Could he help his boyfriend? Would he want his help? He was honestly afraid of the answer because a little voice inside him told him that if the older hadn’t come to him before, it’s because he didn’t trust him enough.

So he prayed. 

_Please let me help him. Whatever it is he needs, just let me stand by him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you waiting for an update? did you like the chapter? i really don't know if you guys are waiting for me to updtade but if you are i would love to see your comments. 
> 
> Thoughts? how do you think the talk will go?


	5. Heavy Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I'm back! And our babies are finally having a very important talk. 
> 
> Again, please mind the warnings and stay safe. There's nothing too explicit but it can be sensitive. It's also kinda really long so please bear with me? 
> 
> Hope you like the chapter! ❤

When Yeonjun wakes up the first thing he registers is that he feels warm. Way too warm.

So he pushes all of the covers off his body and stretches his muscles, hand reaching out to the other side of the bed and looking for the body that should be there next to him only to find it empty.

And just like that, all the warmth he was previously feeling was replaced by a cold that he could feel all the way to his bones. 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

_Soobin knew._

_How had he been so careless? God he was so stupid._

The knowledge that he had fucked up so bad. That of all people it was the one who he cared the most for who had to find out and in such a way proved to be too much for him to bear. 

Something unpleasant settled in his stomach.

Of course he woke up alone. Soobin having such a huge heart couldn’t stand to leave him alone the night before because it was just in his nature to care for everyone, but he probably had the whole night to ponder and to question every decision that had lead him to be involved with someone like him. 

Someone in his right mind wouldn’t need to do what Yeonjun does. And someone in his right mind would run when faced with someone with such issues.

His hand instinctively moved to his thigh, his fingers putting pressure on the still sore wounds. The discomfort was grounding. _So this is it then._

His secrets had finally caught up to him.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to hide it forever, everything was bound to see the light of day eventually. But he couldn’t help but be mad at himself because all of his efforts directed at ignoring, hiding and pretending that it was nothing had been in vain.

He really should be used to it though. He had never been able to do good at this “life” thing, always lacking, always disappointing everyone around him and being a burden when he had tried to explain himself. He had just never managed to order his thoughts enough for them to make sense.

So, while he wasn’t surprised; he was very distressed. 

He had hoped he would have more time.

Time to prepare how he wanted to come clean, time to maybe give his boyfriend some kind of heads-up hoping the results would be different.

Time to prepare his heart for when he was eventually left alone…again.

The ugly thing that had taken place in his stomach was now making his way up his throat, as if his body too was having trouble accepting the situation.

He somehow managed to make his way to the bathroom on woobly legs. When he reached the toilet he fell, limbs giving up under him.

The next moments were a blur of heaving, desperate breaths trying to get air into his lungs and some coughing as his body threw out all the bile that had accumulated in his stomach. 

After a while of emptying his stomach he was still dry heaving, the spasms wrecking his body and his insides felt like they were on fire because of the acid; because he had not eaten anything since yesterday and there was nothing to help ease the blow. 

The aftertaste was bitter in his mouth and he finds that really ironic. 

Exhausted after throwing up, he hugged his knees to his chest to steady himself. With a sense of foreboding, he couldn’t help but cry. 

Cry for everything that had gone wrong. For everything that he had done wrong. For what was and for what could never be anymore. 

And as the tears fell from his face he wished for the millionth time that things could be different. 

〰🦊🐰〰

Soobin was making his way from the kitchen – where he had made some coffee and porridge with strawberries for his boyfriend (since he was pretty sure he had no eaten much yesterday), talked to their manager to cancel the practices for the day claiming the older of the group was not feeling well and had asked the three youngers to avoid going into the room unless they had come out first- that last bit caused his cheeks to heat up in shame as it got him funny looks from Beomgyu and Hueningkai. But the shame was replaced with guilt when he saw the worried look on Taehyun’s face.

He shrugged it off and kept walking to his boyfriend's room. Anxious to see him. 

When he reached the door he took a moment to compose himself and to take some breaths, hoping this went right. 

He knew he had one shot at this conversation so he _had_ to make it right. 

He tried to muster up the most genuine smile he could and opened the door only to find the room empty. His stomach dropped. 

_Not again. Please._ He couldn't handle that sight again.

He eyes darted to the vanity where he had left the blade the night before after Yeonjun had fallen asleep and he had got to cleaning the floor. 

He grimaced at the memory. 

But a sigh of relief escaped his lips as he saw it was still in the same place. 

_He is fine. He is fine._ He repeated as a mantra to soothe himself. 

He placed the tray with the breakfast he had prepared in the night stand and that's when the sniffling sounds reached him. 

He rushed to the bathroom, to where the noises were coming from. Thankfully the door was not locked but the sight that greeted him caused his heart to crack. 

Yeonjun is sitting on the floor, looking as small and frail as Soobin has ever seen him. His shoulders are shaking with the force of the sobs wrecking his body and the effort of drawing air in could be heard in every gasp that left the older's mouth. 

Just like the day before, he slowly approached the boy and crouched in front of him. "Hyung?" He softly called. 

But the pink haired boy couldn't hear anything through the fog that had taken place in his brain. All he could feel was this hollowness that had taken over him. 

Soobin started rubbing the other's arm lightly, "Baby?" That got his boyfriend to look up at him, but he looked so lost. His red, tear-filled eyes conveyed nothing but sorrow. 

He took his hand and Yeonjun gripped back so hard, the leader was honestly surprised he had so much strength in his condition. It seemed as if he was afraid he would dissapear if his hold wasn't tight enough. 

"What's wrong baby?" He asked. Hand coming up to caress a tear-stained cheek. 

Another sob shook Yeonjun's body and his voice could barely be heard when he said "You left".

"What?" Soobin asked just to make sure he had heard right. 

The grip on his hand somehow tightened and this time the words were a little louder "You left". He sounded so devastated. 

_Oh._

His heart cracked even more when he realized what was going on.

Yeonjun thought he had left him in the morning. 

He had allowed his boyfriend to wake up alone after such a night without even thinking of how the other would take it. 

He was just so focused on clearing the schedules and making breakfast... 

Heart in his throat he rushed to pull the older into his arms. " No no, I just went to get some breakfast baby. Of course I didn't leave you. I'm sorry you woke up alone, but I'm here. I'm here." He sushed while the other kept crying, lightly rocking him back and forth. 

After a while the tears stopped and Soobin helped Yeonjun get to the bed. His legs were still a little unsteady. 

Once he was sitting in his bed, embarrassment catched up to Yeonjun. How many times will he break-down in front of his boyfriend? 

_Can he still call him that? _He did say he didn't leave him right? Could that mean...?__

__His thoughts were interrupted when he felt the bed dipping beside him as Soobin sat in his usual spot and was offering a tray with breakfast._ _

__Yeonjun couldn't help but grimace at the food as the memory of his little adventure in the bathroom not 20 minutes ago was still fresh in his mouth._ _

__"No, thank you. I don't think I can stomach anything right now." Might as well begin with the honesty._ _

__Soobin frowned. "Hyung... Yesterday you only had coffee for breakfast and I'm sure you didn't eat anything after our dance practice or your recording session"._ _

__Damn it, his boyfriend knew him too well._ _

__"Not well enough apparently" Soobin's voice startled him. _Had he said that out loud?__ _

__"I just can read your face easily." The younger said as in explanation. "But you have to eat, you can't keep going on for hours without any food."_ _

__The look Soobin was giving him made Yeonjun itch all over in a not very pleasant way. It was as if he was seeing right through him._ _

__That made him really self-conscious so he pulled his long sleeves over his hands - a habit he's had for years- and hurried to get under the covers. Suddenly remembering that he was only wearing a shirt, meaning _everything_ was on show. _ _

__A sigh._ _

__"Hyung"_ _

__He couldn't look at him._ _

__"Baby, please just talk to me." His boyfriend's voice was pleading._ _

__From where he was on the bed Soobin could see Yeonjun picking at his fingers and could hear how his breathing had turned laboured._ _

__"I'll eat in a while" The latter said, voice rough._ _

__"Okay"_ _

__After that, silenced stretched for what felt like an eternity. Neither knowing how to broach the subject , both afraid of what would happen when everything was out in the open._ _

__"I'm sorry binnie. I'm really really sorry." The older broke the silence with a whisper._ _

__"What are you sorry for?"_ _

__It was a fairly simple question and yet Yeonjun didn't have an answer. There was so much he needed to apologize for, so much he wanted to say._ _

"I'm sorry you had to see that... That... Yesterday...I'm sorry you had to find out that way... I-" _I'm sorry I can't be different. I'm sorry I can't be good enough for you. I'm sorry I'm a mess._

Soobin's hand twitched next to him, the pain in his boyfriend's voice was so clear and yet he didn't know how to take it away. 

__He cleared his throat. He had to ask now._ _

__"Why hyung? Why do you do that to yourself?" He just wanted to understand._ _

__Yeonjun closed his eyes as he heard the question. He knew it was coming but nothing could've prepared him for how it felt to really have it in the open._ _

__He feels heavy all over but he braves himself. "Do you remember that I told you about my grandpa?" Soobin just nods._ _

__"For as long as I can remember he was the one who always stood next to me you know? For the good and the bad, he was there for everything. And it didn't matter what I did, he never judged, he never criticized. He was just so unconditional, the only one who accepted me for who I really was."_ _

__The younger can feel an objection forming in his throat but he manages to hold himself back. Scared an interruption will change Yeonjun's mind about talking._ _

__Yeonjun notices tears are gathering in his eyes as his body recognizes before his mind what's coming next in the story. " Five years ago he died and with him my pilar was gone. I no longer had anything to hold on to, no one to lean on and no one to help me when I was having a hard time."_ _

__His hands were playing with the comforter pulling at some loose threads. "After that I became really bad at dealing with stuff you know?"_ _

__Not knowing what exactly that meant Soobin decided to ask. "Stuff?"_ _

__"Everything really. I had always been a very dramatic person but after he was gone... " A pause. "Things I was fine with before started to bother me. I doubted every decision I made and saw no meaning in trying. Every word stinged and the things in my house were worse and worse. I wasn't exactly a wanted child if you haven't guessed by now."_ _

__Soobin did have wondered why it was that his hyung rarely spoke about his parents, why he rarely visited when they had the chance. But he never asked, not wanting to intrude._ _

__Yeonjun kept talking, his voice raw and hands leaving the comforter to rest on his thighs. Soobin could see they were shaking. "I've had anxiety since I was like 9 years old" A wet chuckle. "We realized because I would have this horrible stomach pains or headaches that would leave me in bed. And as time passed my body found new ways to show it. Sometimes I would get rashes, other times I would feel like I would pass out and it eventually was clear that I wasn't build for this, for what my family expected of me. I just would never be able to live up to it and it was such a bother to have to constantly be in the doctor and to take meds because I couldn't get a grip. My parents were really annoyed by it. "_ _

__He hated to hear his boyfriend talk that way about himself, because he had such a different perception of him. If only he could see himself through Soobin's eyes..._ _

__"After my grandfather died I had a really hard time coping and I started having panic attacks." Yeonjun couldn't believe he was really saying it out loud. It felt wrong, shame so etched in him it was hard to shake._ _

__But there was no going back now._ _

__"They were so unpredictable, I could never guess what would trigger one and they always feel so awful. Sometimes I swore I would die because of it... And I was just so tired. I just wanted it to stop Binnie. I- it hurt to much."_ _

__By this time, tears were now freely falling from the older's eyes and Soobin's heart was constricting in a painful way._ _

__He wanted to reach out, grab his boyfriend and hide him in a place where he could make sure nothing would ever touch him._ _

__Why had this boy gone through so much alone? God, he was so brave. Even when he was carrying all of this inside he still managed to carry on giving love and caring for everyone around him as if it was nothing._ _

__He was seeing him in a whole new light and he could feel himself falling even harder in love._ _

__"And then?" He asked even though he felt like he knew what was coming. He clenched his hands; nails digging into his palm, bracing himself for it._ _

__Yeonjun looks up to look at his boyfriend who so far has listened with intent to his story, he was so relieved he had not bolted out of the door yet. But he knew the worse was yet to be out._ _

__He swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat, the remembering itself was injury on its own. "So one day I did it." There was no use a trying to deny it, he had already seen it. "I took a blade and went for it. And trust me, i know how crazy it sounds but Soobin... It helps me breathe. When I feel like I can't get air into my lungs, when my heart is threatening to fly out of my chest and everything hurts... It helps. And I prefer that so much than to being in pain all the time, at least that allows me to keep going. "_ _

__Soobin can't help but flinch at the admission._ _

__The younger now knew that Yeonjun was referring to more than a physical pain. What he was dealing with went way deeper - wounds that would not heal easily with some ointment and a bandage.- and he just knows that it will be a long journey for him to get past it._ _

__Yeonjun looks at Soobin to try and gauge his reaction and he can see how tight his jaw is because of the strength he is clenching it with. His fingers look pale from where he has them curled up in fists._ _

__And Yeonjun has to work to swallow, to breathe, to not allow the panic to settle._ _

__He waits for the other to say something._ _

_In... 1...2...3...Out...1...2...3...Just breathe._

_You will be fine no matter what Choi Yeonjun. You've been through worse._

_He tries to convince himself._

_In... 1...2...3...Out...1...2...3...He just needs some time to process everything, you just unloaded a hell lot on him.  
_

"I'm sorry" When Soobin finally speaks his voice is strained and the words were not at all what Yeonjun expected to hear. 

His eyes widened "What? What are you apologizing for?" 

Soobin's eyes are shining with unshed tears.

__

__

"I'm sorry I didn't know you were having such a hard time. And I'm sorry I didn't notice you were struggling before. I-" He doesn't know what he could say that would make up for the time he was blind. 

"I'm just so sorry I was so clueless and that I left you alone to deal with it. I should've been more observant, i... I'm your boyfriend and I was you best friend for so many years before that... How... " 

Yeonjun feels as if someone is dragging a knife through his insides. 

"Binnie no, stop" He interrupts before the younger can say anything else. "I decided to do it, I needed to do it. And I was very good at hiding it, you can't beat yourself up for that. I should be the one apologizing" 

"Hyung?" He asks tentative. "Is it okay if I hug you?" He tries to sound as collected as possible but the truth is, he is desperate. 

Desperate to feel the love of his life alive and well in his arms. Desperate to let him know how much he loves him. And he hopes physical contact can help him covey that now that words are not coming. 

Yeonjun looks unsure, but nods anyway and the younger wastes no time in scooping him up and placing him in his lap like a baby. 

Instinct kicks in and Yeonjun wants to cover his legs because he is still not wearing any pants and he feels very exposed and he has already beared so much. So he moves his hands to pull his shirt, but his hand are stopped before he can reach it. 

Soobin has taken his hand and intertwined their fingers. "Please stop hiding from me." His voice is soft and earnest. Yeonjun can feel his tears when he takes their hands to place a kiss on them. 

"You are not leaving me?" He has to ask. And the younger feels his heart shatter at the way his voice breaks with the question. 

"Of course not baby" He tightens his hold on the other "I'm never leaving you. You don't have to do this alone anymore, I might not fully get it, but you don't have to carry it by yourself. We will figure it out together." _It's a promise._

After that not much is said. 

Yeonjun feels lighter now that the truth is out, the dread that had settled into him since he had woken up slowly disappearing. It seems that his boyfriend isn't freaked out or disgusted by him. 

_Maybe things could be alright?_

And Soobin is already making a mental list on things he will have to look into, trying not to dwell too much on all of the flags he missed. 

He wouldn't miss them anymore. 

He lowers his gaze to stare at his beautiful boy. He looked only a soft nudge away from breaking in half, so fragile... 

But Soobin knew better. He was the furthest thing from fragile. -He was in fact, so brave for pushing through every day even when it hurt so much to do so.- 

_He handles the world so well, but he has trouble handling himself._

There was still a lot to be said and a lot to figure out -and he was still very nervous since this was all very new to him and he wasn't sure if he could be the support the older needs- but right now feeling the little breaths on his neck and the tickles on his chin from the hair under him; he couldn't help but feel relieved, a contented sigh escaping his lips. 

_They still had time._ And he would be damned if he at least didn't try. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, so that was it. I poured my heart out and it was really difficult because this story has been a way for me to tell my own experience so yeah... Hits a little too close to home for comfort. 
> 
> But I hope I made sense and that it was enjoyable. 
> 
> If you really read the whole chapter, thank you so so much. ❤
> 
> Comments are always appreciated you always make my heart feel super warm. 💞 See you soon!


	6. All Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo! So... It's been a while 😅  
> Please read the ending notes if you have the time and as usual please mind the tags. This chapter does discuss a few things that might be triggering so just be careful and stay safe. ❤ 
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

The days after they talked were filled with outfit fittings, rehearsals for their presentations and in general very hectic schedules and Yeonjun was feeling overwhelmed. 

Because on top of their comeback preparations, there was also his boyfriend who was being more attentive than usual. Constantly checking on him, asking him how he was feeling and if he needed anything, trying not to leave him alone if possible. 

And honestly his brain was having a hard time moving past the _"you are being a burden"_ voice in his mind. 

He knew Soobin was genuinely concerned and that everything he was doing was out of his heart desires, but the guilt wouldn't let him go when all he could see in his boyfriend's eyes was such a strong desire to help... To fix him. 

There was no fixing him, he new he was broken beyond repair. 

_If only I could make him understand._

Because although having Soobin know about it did take a weight off his shoulders, it also added a new one. With his boyfriend knowing about this part of him came the expectation to get _better_ , and Yeonjun was so scared of dissappoiting him, of failing. 

He was like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode, and he knew it would happen eventually. That his mind and body could only hold on so much before he needed some release and what would happen then? 

Soobin had stayed with him after finding out. But if it happened again? The look of shock on his boyfriend's face that night was still fresh in his mind. 

〰🦊🐰〰 

"What do you guys think about a trip to the beach once we finish the promotions?" Soobin blurted out one day in the dressing rooms before one of their last performances. 

Everyone looked at him speechless for a few seconds before agreement sounds where replacing the silence. 

"That sounds so nice hyung!" Hueningkai screamed excitedly. 

"Yeah, I think we can use some time off. Not that I can do much with my broken finger though..." A sigh left Taehyun's mouth. 

"Yes! We definitely deserve it!" Beomgyu cheered. 

But to his right; the reason why he even suggested the trip in the first place; was fiddling with his hands, looking at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world and not saying a word. 

"Hyung?" Soobin reached out for his hands to stop the fiddling. "What do you think of the idea?" 

At that the older raised his eyes. "I- yeah... I... sounds good" It didn't sound as if he was very convinced. 

The leader cleared his throat "Well, let's finish today's show and we can talk more about it later? Everybody, fighting!" 

As the three youngest went to the stage he only stayed back long enough to squeeze the older's hand, hoping to show that his discomfort had not gone unnoticed. 

(...) 

The performance that day was good but Yeonjun couldnt shake the feeling that he could've done better. He had some trouble getting the coat on in the dance break part and that had caused him a slight delay.  
The boys had told him no one would be able to notice, but if he could see it then certainly the rest could too? 

He just wanted to go home. He was craving his bed so bad and he could feel the beginning of a headache forming.  
The ride back home was filled with slight banter as usual which he didn't feel like participating in today, in fact he could use some quiet now.  
But the feeling of his boyfriend's hand on his, rubbing little circles in an absentminded way helped him not to want to crawl out of his skin. Yet. 

After a few minutes they arrived to the dorms and everyone dispersed. Some went to take a shower and scrub off the layer of make-up they had on for the show, others were busy on the kitchen making something they could have for a late dinner and Yeonjun wasted to time in getting to his room and getting under the covers. 

As he layed there the voice in his head started acting up. 

_You should've done better._

_That was a rookie mistake. You are not a rookie anymore._

_Why dedicate so many years to training if you will never be able to do it right?_

_Useless._

_Useless._

A hand rubbing his back startled him back to reality and when he moved to look he found Soobin sitting behind him in the bed. 

"You okay hyung?" He asked. 

How was he supposed to reply to that? He was not having the worse time but at the same time he was not feeling great.  
He went with silence, afraid that if he spoke his reponse would be either too close to the truth or an outright lie. 

At the lack of response Soobin sighed. "Baby, I know you are not feeling well. Please tell me what's going on in that beautiful mind of yours?" 

"I'm just thinking about today's performance..." Yeonjun hoped his voice didn't give too much away. 

His boyfriend scrunched his brows and nose in confusion. "What about today's performance?" 

"I had a problem with my coat and I was late to my position..." Soobin saw the older worrying his lower lip and moved his hand to softly run his thumb over the tender skin.  
"Hmm? You did? I saw the replay and I didn't notice anything though?" In all honestly the leader had noticed during the performance the struggling pink haired boy but it really didn't make much of a difference overall. They had ended the song successfully, there was no point admittt to it. 

"But they will notice binnie." Frustrated Yeonjun ran his hands through his hair. "I'm supposed to be good at this you know? It's my job. But I still make these kind of mistakes" 

The older's eyes had gone down and Soobin hated where this was going. 

"Hyung, look at me please?" When the older finally did, he instantly felt soft lips crash against his. He was a little startled but he welcomed the gesture nonetheless. 

The kiss was soft, nothing more but a reassurance and Yeonjun felt warm all over. The tension on his shoulders eased a little asas he breathed the other in and when they separated the butterflies were going crazy in his stomach. 

"Listen to me please." Yeonjun rarely heard his boyfriend speak in such a serious tone.

"You were amazing in today's performance, as you usually are. It's not in vain that they call you the big hit legend right?" 

At that Yeonjun laughed a little. 

"Seriously, you can't beat yourself up for what happened. I promise you no one will be able to notice, and if they do they won't even comment on it. Our fans are too whipped by you to mind those details" he said while putting on a show of being mad, crossing his arms and even pouting. 

Hearing those words the older felt better, he even felt like teasing a little. 

"They are whipped for me huh? And what about you bunny? 

The beautiful smile on the pink haired boy's face and the words caught Soobin off guard so he stuttered a little. "Uhm.. Me? What about me?" 

Yeonjun's eyes were still showing worry but there was a spark in them too. "Are you whipped by me?" 

He could see the younger trying to come up with an answer, he was always the shy one between the two. 

And the younger was flustered, they had been in love for so long and daringt for quite a while and yet the flirting ways had his brain malfunctioning.  
But he pushed through it. After everything that happened he couldn't have Yeonjun doubt what they have for even a second. 

So he took his hand and brought it to his lips, as his breath brushed the knuckles he could see goosebumps forming on the uncovered part of the older's arm. 

Good. It was good to know that he wasn't the only affected one. 

"You know I am hyung. I have been for a long time now" Yeonjun's eyes were shining with joy and Soobin couldn't find it in himself to feel ashamed at such sappy words. It's what he felt after all. 

A while later they were both laying under the covers ready to sleep when Soobin remembered there was still something they had to talk about  
"Hyung?" The other had his eyes closed but he knew he wasn't sleeping yet. 

"Hm?" 

"For our little vacation, where would you like to go? Is there any beach you feel like going?" 

As soon as the words left his mouth he could feel the older tensing in his arms. 

While he had sensed earlier in the dressing room that something about it was causing distress to the other, he couldn't figure out what it was. 

They were all tired because they had worked really hard for the past months. Wouldn't Yeonjun like some time off to rest? 

"What is it? Are you not feeling up for some traveling?" He asked. 

While Yeonjun pondered his answer, Soobin started running his index finger over his eyes, his nose, his jaw. 

_Ah. Yeonjun really loves him so much._

And it's because of the love he feels for the beautiful and pure boy sharing a bed with him and holding him as if he was something special that he decides to come clean. 

He will go all out and hope for the best even though his stomach is starting to do weird things. 

"Bunny, there's something I need to tell you...To show you" He starts with a shaky voice. 

Soobin instantly squeezes him to show that he is listening and the knot in Yeonjun's throat starts to form. 

But he ignores it and goes to lift his sleeve on shaky hands. 

At first Soobin doesn't get what he is supposed to be looking at and the fact that they are in the dark is not helping at all. But after a few moments where the older is holding his breath, he can see the exact moment the other notices. 

Soobin's eyes widen and his jaw tightens. 

"Jun..." He mumbles, his voice barely coming out. 

"It was before I got into the agency. I-..." Así much as he was determined it was still hard to talk about. 

In his arms the pink haired boy felt so small, and the words seemed to be causing him physical pain. 

"You don't have to talk about it If you don't want to hyung. We have time" He tried. 

He didn't know if he wanted to hear. 

But Yeonjun knew he had to take the moment, otherwise he would never tell. 

"It was when they told me my grandpa was sick, I didn't feel like I would be able to go on if he wasn't here. Without him I would have to deal with everything alone and I was just so scared, I couldn't bear to be here without him" 

He shuts his eyes tightly and draws in a deep breath. 

"It was the maiden who found me. After, I spent some days in the hospital and I was told no one should know about it because my grandparents would be sick with worry. They also told me it was very selfish of me" 

A bittter chuckle escaped his lips "I never understood what it was to them. They never wanted me anyway. Wasn't it better if I was gone? Guess I wasn't even worth the scandal" 

The new information leaves a hollow ache in Soobin's chest. 

Unsure of what to say he threads their fingers together and with the other hand he slowly moves to caress the ridged skin going in a vertical form through his boyfriend's arm. 

He feels like crying but chooses to instead send a thank you prayer to whatever deity was involved in having the love of his life next to him at this moment. 

"Was this the only time you've tried?" 

Yeonjun understood the meaning behind the question. 

"Yeah. A few months after I got into the company and that gave me something to focus on. And I had another way to manage the bad days... It is not ideal but at least it does the job" 

In the moments that follow something shifts between them, something that feels won't shift back. 

"Thank you" Soobin breathes out. 

"For what?" 

"For telling me. For staying even though some days you don't feel like it, for giving you best in everything you do and for trusting me enough to show me this part of you story.  
Just for being you, I'm really thankful that I get to have you in my life" 

A pretty pink adorns the older's cheeks and it matches his hair beautifully. Everything in the boy always seems so in place, so natural. 

Yeonjun shifts closer to the taller and places his hand on his face, making sure they are making eye contact. 

"I am happy Binnie. I really am. I'm very lucky to get to have this life, I love performing and getting to do so with the boys. I love being able to come home and have you here with me... " 

He starts, trying to erase the thinly veiled concern on the other's face. 

"It's just a little different for me. I have to try harder some days and some days just..." 

"I know" Soobin cuts him off pulling him into his lap. 

Yeonjun feels as if he ran a marathon with how drained he felt. The mix of today's schedule with the rush of his confession finally wearing him of. As he is getting comfortable burying head on his boyfriend's chest he feels a kiss being pressed to the top of his head. 

"You know you have nothing to be ashamed of right? Even if we do go to the beach you don't have to worry, I'll make sure you are safe" 

And it's moments like this where Yeonjun feels a weird sense of calm invading him. Something he is not used to, but he welcomes it. 

Someone is glad he is here today, someone considers him worthy enough of time and affection and he is not about to start questioning why now. Wary of bringing the raging storm in his head back in motion. 

He got through today without major breakdowns and he even managed to have this talk without crying or panicking. He feels kinda proud of himself but deep down he knows things wouldn't have gone as smoothly of it was anyone else but Soobin next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, thoughts? 
> 
> Not gonna lie, I seriously considered leaving this story (hence me not updating) because I was (am) very discouraged my the reception. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the kudos and the comments I receive but when I see other more recent works with more interactions I can't help but compare and feel bad. 
> 
> I am not a writer so I'm not very talented at it. I know it, but I really poured my heart in every chapter so I can't help but feel a little disappointed I guess? 
> 
> So yeah, I considered not writing this anymore and just sticking to being a reader. But then I came across this quote: 
> 
> "Don't write to be liked.  
> Don't write to be right.  
> Don't write to be understood. 
> 
> Write to become emotionally literate, accepting of yourself and free." 
> 
> And that made me think, and I came to the conclusion that I should keep writing because this is really very freeing. As I've said before the story hits very close to home and this is a great way for me to somehow let things out, and I do have people who relate.  
> So yeah, as long as there's me, and one other person who enjoys it and relates I'll be here till this story sees it's end. 
> 
> Thank you for your support and thank you if yourl read this, I really appreciate it. ❤


	7. A Change In Scenery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! ❤
> 
> New chapter and this is a way lighter one. Our boys deserve all of the love in the world so I tried to give them a little bit of fluff. 👉🏻👈🏻
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It was 4:30 am and honestly Yeonjun would rather be in bed cuddling his boyfriend than here at the airport freezing (yes, he is one of those who is always cold). But everyone was so excited about their little trip to the beach that he couldn't bring himself to say anything. 

They were waiting for their flight to be called out and just as he was about to pull his earphones out to silence the voice in his head telling him this was a terrible idea, he looked up to see the most gorgeous smile ever. 

It is really unfair; how Soobin could look so cute even at such ungodly hours, all dimples and fluttering lashes while he was struggling to keep his eyes open with how tired he was. 

When his boyfriend reached him he handed him a cup of coffee. 

"You okay hyung?" The question held a lot more than those three simple words, and the pink haired boy felts his heart grow three sizes from the amount of love he was feeling. 

"I am now that you are here, just a little tired" A yawn reinforced the statement so Soobin took a seat next to him and pulled him close. Yeonjun rested his face in the others shoulder while the younger had his arm around his shoulder and was rubbing his hand up and down his arm. 

As the smell of apples reached him, Yeonjun felt himself relax. His boyfriend had always had a thing for sweet scents, ever since there were trainees Yeonjun remembers being fascinated with how in everyone else he found such scents nauseating -he had always prefered the fresh kind of scents- but in this big, clumsy boy he found it alluring, just like a mosquito to sweet fruit, he found himself drawn to the boy. 

And that's just another thing that hasn't changed, if anything the feelings have grown into something that sometimes threatened to have his ribcage open so his heart could fly out and do summersaults in a bigger space than his body could provide. 

It was comforting and reassuring in a way he couldn't express with words. 

〰🦊🐰〰 

The plane ride was rather uneventful with all of them sleeping most of the time since it was very early in the morning. 

A few hours later they found themselves on their room -after very weird talk with their juniors if you ask Yeonjun-. 

_"Hyungs, we changed the sleep arrangements a little" The youngest one informed them._

_"What do you mean by that? What did you change? Aren't we all going to stay in the suite I had reserved? "_

_Taehyun was the one who explained "well, we've all have had a very stressful time and we know the rehearsals and the promotions have made it hard for you to find time together. So us three are staying in one room and you are staying in a separate one."_

_Yeonjun was dumbfounded. When had these boys grown so much?_

_"You deserve a little alone time where we are not disturbing" The blonde boy continued with a laugh. "Just make the most of it, okay? "_

_With those words he delivered a very flustered Soobin the keys and the three of them made they way to their room. Yeonjun found his cheeks were burning._

Said previously flustered boy was currently lying in their bed, one arm over his eyes and the other over his leg, fingers tapping constantly. 

It was common knowledge that his boyfriend was not big on going out - let alone on vacation- being more of a stay at home guy. So it came as a surprise to everyone when he suggested this trip. 

Yeonjun was wondering if he was regretting it now that they were here since he could feel how tense the blue haired boy was all the way from where he was putting their clothes into the room's closet. 

After he was done he slowly made his way to the bed and lightly ran his fingers over the arm that was over Soobin's face. 

"You okay bunny?" 

At that his boyfriend reacted immediately. He removed the arm covering his face and looked at him. He looked worried. Nervous. 

"Of course I am hyung. It's just-" Yeonjun just kept running his hands over the other's arm, waiting for him to continue talking. 

"You know you don't have to do anything you don't want to right? Like I mean with us, with me... I know you weren't a big fan of coming here and I get it and I just don't want you to be forcing yourself to do anything so if you want to, we can just stay here and watch a movie or... " 

Yeonjun pressed his lips to Soobin's to stop his rambling. Quick and effective, he found himself smiling into the other's mouth. 

"Sweetie, is that what you were worried about?" He asked carding his fingers through the blue hair. 

Truth was, Soobin had been thinking about it for the last days and as time passed he was more worried that this was all a really bad idea. He knew there was a reason why his boyfriend was wary about the trip and maybe in his desire to give them all a good rest he was bringing something else he wouldn't know how to deal with to the mix, as much as he had been preparing for it. 

"I just want you to be fine hyung. I want you to enjoy this time no matter how you decide to use it... " He said honestly. 

"Bunny, I'm going to enjoy it because I'm here with the boys and with you. What more could I ask for? " 

"You don't have to do that hyung." His voice took a serious tone. "You don't have to pretend. I know you have been worried about comingcoming here and you haven't said a word about it" 

His boyfriend's tone was not accusing, it was just simply stating a fact and as much as Yeonjun wanted to deny it, he knew there was very little he could hide from him. 

"Well, you know I have a few things that... " He exhales violently. "So yeah, I am a little worried. But it is okay, I know it will be fine" The words were hesitant in his tongue. 

"Of course it will be. I've got you, remember?" Soobin said as he stood up from the bed and made his way to his handbag. 

Yeonjun followed him with his eyes, confused. He watched as his boyfriend took something out of the handbag and hid it behind his back as he made his way back to the bed. 

He stood awkwardly in front of him, fidgeting a little before letting out a deep breath and seating next to him. 

Soobin took his hand and in the softest voice asked "Do you trust me hyung?" 

Yeonjun felt his hands start to sweat a little but he nooded regardless. Of course he trusted him, with his whole heart. 

"I do" He breathed out. 

"Please close your eyes then?" 

So he did. 

Once Soobin was sure the older's eyes were closed he moved to pull Yeonjun's sleeve up. As soon as it registered what was happening he felt his boyfriend's body grow tense, but said nothing. He took that as a sign to continue. 

He bent down to place a kiss over the most noticeable scar in the exposed skin and he peppered a few others in the less noticeable ones. He then took the cap off the eyeliner he had bought a few days ago - Yes, he had been wrecking his brain for nights, trying to come up with something to show his boyfriend that he was here for him. He just hoped it would work. - and started turning his idea into something that could be seen. 

Meanwhile, the older boy was struggling a little. No one had ever been that close to his scars and he had to force his eyes to keep shut; suppressing the urge to look at what was happening, He shuts his eyes forcefully and breathes, inhaling three and exhaling slowly in a effort to keep calm. 

_Why...? In...1... 2...3...Out... It's okay, it's just Soobin...Out._

_In. Out. In. Out._

He couldn't help it when his free hand moved to his thigh. Feeling the familiar ridges of the sensitive skin. 

He applied pressure, trying to focus on that as he let his boyfriend finish whatever he was doing in his arm. He could only feel something a little wet dragging over his skin. 

_In...1...2...3...Out._

Another soft kiss was planted on his arm and the wet thing dissapeared. Soobin threaded their fingers together. 

"You can open your eyes now baby" 

Yeonjun felt like he had them closed for hours, but it was probably only a couple of minutes. 

He lowered his eyes to see what had been going on and his eyes welled up with tears. He had to blink several times to control the flow; even then a few tears escaped, before he looked into his boyfriend's eyes.  
Soobin was already looking at him with a determination Yeonjun was only used to seeing in work related stuff. But beneath the determination, he could see there was a huge amount of love. 

"I hope it's okay, I-" The taller started, running his free hand through his hair, unsure. 

Yeonjun interrupted. "I love it baby. Thank you so much... It... It really means a lot" The tears were threatening to come back as he looked at what now adorned his arm. 

_"You've got this"_

Soobin's beautiful handwriting in combination with the words and the little heart the other had carefully drawn in black at the end of the words had Yeonjun speechless. 

How was it that a few words could mess with his emotions like this? How could a heart like his boyfriend's love one like him? 

He threw himself into his boyfriend's arms, and the other catched him with no problem. Arms quickly coming up to gather him in a hug. 

"It is waterproof, you know? " Soobin suddenly said. 

Yeonjun moved a little to look at him with a lifted brow. 

"I meant the eyeliner I used" He explained. "So you can play in the water or do whatever you want and it will stay the whole day" 

Yeonjun's expression fell at that. 

"Binnie... " 

"Speaking of water. I got you something" Soobin turned and grabbed the other thing he had been carrying and hiding before. He gave it to Yeonjun. 

Yeonjun took what he was being offered and felt more than saw that it was fabric. Nylon. 

It was a long sleeve swimsuit shirt. 

Soobin felt his boyfriend's questioning eyes so he cleared his throat. 

"I just wanted you to have the option. I never want you to stop doing anything because you feel self-conscious or are worried you are showing too much. I stand by the fact that you have nothing to hide, but I understand that you may still not feel comfortable having it out so I thought this could work... This way if you feel like it you can enjoy the pool" 

"Oh binnie... " Yeonjun's heart was beating at a worrying pace and his stomach was doing funny things but for a totally different reason than he is used to. 

_He is going to be the death of me._

He moves to close the space between them and when their lips meet it is electric. Soobin's hands are on his waist and Yeonjun pulls him closer, hands coming up to rest over his shoulders. 

The position isn't exactly comfortable with Soobin being taller, so his hands move down in a practiced move to pull Yeonjun into his lap. 

This is familiar and yet it feels so different to the other times. 

A whine leaves Soobin's mouth as Yeonjun's tongue enters his mouth and starts exploring. They both get lost into the kiss, the feeling of their mouths moving against each other, the press of their bodies and the air that was heating up as the kiss deepened. 

Soon they are both panting against each other, they barely separate enough to get some much needed air before going back. 

"What did I ever do to deserve you? I'm so lucky to have you" Yeonjun breathed against his lips. 

"I'm the lucky one" Soobin replied between kisses. "I'm the one who gets to call you mine. " 

〰🦊🐰〰 

To Soobin's joy and relief they had been having a beautiful trip and his boyfriend seemed genuinely happy. 

The first two days were filled with lots of giggling from all 5 of them being silly, splashing water and teasing each other.  
They also ate lots of delicious food that they would normally stay away from in their comeback time which was something all of them were a fan of. 

On the third day of the trip they were at the pool again - they had been lucky, so far only having sunny and warm days with a nice breeze - Soobin laying on one of the lounge chairs with his book while the other four were in the water. 

Yes, Yeonjun was playing in the pool with the younger ones. He was wearing the swimsuit shirt Soobin had gifted him and the leader felt a burst of pride in his chest everytime his eyes locked on the pink haired boy. 

Because against all odds he was here, pushing against his discomfort and letting go of everyone's expectations to just be if even for a little while. 

This was by far the most beautiful Soobin had seen him. 

He moved his eyes in time to see Taehyun throwing himself at the older in a bear hug and while the other seemed a little confused, he returned the hug nonetheless. 

A few seconds later Taehyun was making his way over, towel over his head to absorb the excess water, a content smile on his face. 

"Had fun?" Soobin asked him. 

"Mm" He nodded. "Yeonjunnie hyung seems happier, that makes me happy too. " 

Soobin was about to turn the page on his book when the words froze him in place. 

_What?_

But he quickly collected himself and brushed it off. "Hmm, he does. I guess he needed to rest as much as we did" 

"Maybe" The blonde said getting up as if he was done with the conversation. 

Soobin had so many questions. But he guessed they would have to wait since a very wet pink haired boy was making his way over. 

"Bunny! Kai and Gyu were teaming up against me in our water fight and now I have water inside my ear." The older pouted as he took a seat in Soobin's lap. 

Soobin's arms easily moved to circle his boyfriend's waist and he should really be feeling uncomfortable because now he is getting wet, but looking at the beautiful boy whose hair is dripping and his blinding smile he can't bring himself to care. 

He moves to place a stray hair behind Yeonjun's ear and plays along. "Aww, were the little ones bullying my baby?" 

Yeonjun hpmhs seeing his boyfriend is clearly not taking the issue seriously. 

The younger just laughs at the others antics and leans to whisper in his ear. "Does it hurt? The water inside your ear?" 

"It does" Yeonjun swallows. 

"Let me make it better then" Soobin whispers and yeonjun's heart stops when a pair of lips are loudly pressed against the corner of his mouth. 

The POP! sound of the kiss echoing in his head even over the _"Eww hyungs! " "Get a room!" "That was the cheesiest thing I've heard in my life"_ of the other three. 

With amusement Soobin saw the color creep up all the way from his chest to the beautiful cheeks and he laughed, quite proud of himself for managing to fluster the other. 

"Uhm...We should go get lunch now" Yeonjun said clearing his throat and getting up. 

(...) 

It was 9:30 at night and the 5 of them were at one of the Hawaiian nights hosted by the hotel. 

The music was nice since it was not too loud and they could still hear each other if they talked and the highlight of their night had been them getting to try lots of crazy named cocktails - non-alcoholic of course- like "A short trip to hell", " Voodoo" and "Fearless redneck". 

But Yeonjun' s favorite by far had been the " Candy appley". It was sweet but balanced with a little cranberry juice, topped with some coconut flakes. It made him think of Soobin. 

Not that he didn't think of him all of the time, but these days he had been able to let go of their usually turbulent life and just focus in what his heart desired. 

Which brought us back to Soobin. 

The boy in question was currently dancing with HueningKai to a disco song and as usual Yeonjun found himself enamoured. It would never cease to amaze him how with his long limbs and height his boyfriend could still manage to be so graceful, he always glowed in a special kind of way when music was involved. 

When the song ended Soobin made his way over to have a drink since he was sweaty and thirsty from all the moving. 

When he placed the glass back on their table he turned to Yeonjun, but barely had time to react before he was being pulled by the flower necklace he had been given into a searing kiss. 

He responded in earnest and Yeonjun could taste something akin to berries in his mouth. Mixed with the apple flavour in his mouth from his own drink... It was all very sweet. 

They took a deep breath when their lips disconnected but didn't pull too far away. 

Soobin was looking at him with a questioning look. 

"We should head back to our room bunny" 

It was only a couple of words but with the way the older breathed them into his mouth; Soobin could swear he felt every hair on his neck and arms rising in anticipation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we feeling? 🤭
> 
> First I wanted to talk a little about the scene where Soobin writes in junnie's skin. I don't know where you live but where I live there's this self-harm campaign going where you draw a butterfly in the body part you usually cut. It's supposed to represent someone you care about and to make you care for it so you think a little before actually doing it.  
> I personally don't think that would work for me but I found the sentiment lovely. 
> 
> So yeah, that scene was supposed to be meaningful in a way that shows someone cares, not to actually "give a fix" if that makes sense? 
> 
> Also, I don't know if you've noticed but even since I started this story I've been hinting at the fact that Taehyun knows what has been going on with junnie for a while. My idea was to write a chapter where Soobin actually talks to him about it but I don't know. How would you like that? 
> 
> That wouldn't be in the next chapter tho because well, there's another cute thing comming i guess? (It was actually supposed to be in this chapter but I noticed it was already very long and ended up dividing it I'm two. WHOOPS! 😅) 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading and thank you so much for your comments in the previous chapter. It really meant a lot. 💜


	8. There Goes My Heart Bleeding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back! 
> 
> Sorry for the long wait, this chapter is special in a different way so I got stuck in a cycle of writing and rewriting and then rewriting once again. *sigh* 
> 
> But here we are! I hope you enjoy and once again please mind the tags. This chapter involvea scars and also includes sexual content. Nothing explicit but do take it into account if that is something that makes you uncomfortable. 🙏🏻❤ 
> 
> See you at the end of the chapter.

Their steps had a certain urgency as they were walking, hands intertwined. The night sky was clear, so lots of beautiful stars could be seen and a nice breeze could be felt and yet the peaceful atmosphere did little to calm Soobin's flying heart. 

They reach their room and the younger makes a move to let go of the older's hand; which Yeonjun is not having, so he uses the contact as a lever to pull his boyfriend back to him, noses lightly touching each other. 

"Where are you going bunny?" He pouts. 

Soobin's eyes are wide and the beginning of a laugh escapes him. "I was just going to turn on the lights hyung". His hands moving as if on autopilot to rest on the other's waist to pull him closer. 

"Maybe we don't need them on" Yeonjun purred into Soobin's ear, arms coming up to lock in the younger's neck. 

It's Yeonjun who slowly pulls Soobin closer while tilting his head a little. When their lips touch a sigh escapes both boys, love, longing and something else poured into every move of their mouths. 

They kiss soft for a few minutes, just enjoying each others presence but it is clear that they need more. 

Soobin squeezes Yeonjun's hips, encouraging him to do more, and the fact that he is leaving the pace to him doesn't escape the pink haired boy. 

Yeonjun allows his tongue to come out to lick Soobin's lips and the latter obliges, opening up to him and exploring his mouth with his own tongue in return. 

It was just them making out, nothing they haven't done before and yet it felt very different from the other times. 

Yeonjun pulls away from the kiss panting hard and Soobin shamefully chases after, the older only giggles and moves his hands to the buttons on Soobin's shirt. A questioning look in his eyes. 

Soobin's response is to quickly leave a peck on his lips and to take a step back so Yeonjun can start working on the buttons. 

The latter does quick work of them and then they are kissing again. 

Soobin was really trying to let Yeonjun set the pace because he didn't want to put any pressure on him, and honest to god when this boyfriend suggested they returned to their room he just assumed he was tired and wanted to sleep. 

But he was only human okay? He was young and _oh_ , so in love. And right now with Yeonjun pressed against the door, body soft and so eager and kissing him senseless... 

He moves down to lick at his neck, just below where the ear is and is very pleased to hear Yeonjun's breath hitching. His hands coming to grab at his shoulders for purchase. 

Soobin keeps kissing and licking down his neck and Yeonjun tilts his head to give him better access. He takes the opportunity to bite a little harder and leave a mark. 

Yeonjun can't help the moan that escapes him as the sting of the bite seems to bring his body alive, arching beautifully in Soobin's arms. 

The latter taking that as a good sign, moves his hands under Yeonjun's shirt, mapping the porcelain skin of his boyfriend's abdomen all the way to his ribs. He could feel goosebumps forming at the contact. 

Yeonjun takes his face in his hands to pull him back into a bruising kiss and that when Soobin notices their position. 

Not only are they pressed impossibly close; but his leg is in between the older's, the friction making their arousals very obvious. 

He moves his hands back down to Yeonjun's hips so he can put some space between them. "Hyung... " His voice is rough with the exertion of their make out session. 

"We should move this to the bed" Yeonjun is in no better shape. Lips swollen from the kissing, shirt raised from Soobin's ministrations and breathing agitated. 

They walked hand in hand towards the bed - not wanting to break the contact -and once they reach the edge Soobin is turning Yeonjun around to kiss him again. 

Before he could even register he was being laid carefully in the bed, a strong body on top of him. 

Yeonjun's heart was pounding loudly in his chest as if in any moment his ribcage would open up to let it fly away. 

And even though he was really into the moment and something very pleasant was running through his veins, something not so pretty that he couldn't shake had settled in his chest. 

_What was he doing?_

He trusted Soobin with all his heart and he knew this could all stop if he just said the word. 

But he didn't want to stop. 

So even with everything in him telling him that Soobin could still run away from him once everything was out in display on such detail, he decided to ignore that voice and instead enjoy the moment. 

He pushed the younger of him enough for them to be able to sit and slide the shirt of his shoulders, finishing what he had started before. A pretty blush adorned the others skin an Yeonjun couldn't help but lean closer to kiss at the colored skin, softly brushing his lips in prominent clavicles and up to the long neck where he licked the sweat that formed when he was dancing. 

Soobin was usually a quiet guy; but here in the quiet of their room, sheltered by the night he found himself letting out soft whimpers that reached Yeonjun's ears and only encouraged him to continue. Moving back down to also kiss the younger's shoulders and chest, shaky hands trailing the contoured body. 

The room felt really hot - be it the weather or their inner temperatures they didn't know - but Soobin found it really unfair that he was the only shirtless one, wanting to feel more... To touch too. 

He moved his hands under the older's shirt again, this time with intention. 

"Can I hyung?" 

Yeonjun nods and helps by putting his arms up but his shirt had a tight neck which concluded the otherwise smooth move, with two giggling boys. 

Foreheads pressed together, they recover from their giggling fit and Yeonjun feels a hand caressing his spine, he shivers but aches for what's coming next so he moves to straddle soobin's lap, the position perfect for them both to be able to kiss and touch. 

Pressing him close chest to chest Soobin cupped Yeonjun's face, looking at him as if it was the first time he was seeing him. 

Which Yeonjun guessed it was. At least in such a way. 

"You are so beautiful baby" Soobin whispered, peppering his jaw and his cheeks with butterfly kisses. 

_You won't think that for long._

The comment making him shrink back on himself, the slide of the fabric over flawed skin making him itch. 

He took a deep breath to shake the feeling and looked up to the boy in front of him. 

Soobin who was always beautiful. Soobin with his expectant lips parted a little, his dark eyes, the hair sticking to his hair because of the heat, the way the light that filtered through the window gave him an almost ethereal look. 

He was so gorgeous. 

And he had been so so good to him, so patient even when Yeonjun had pushed him away multiple times. 

He closed his eyes as Soobin's hand moved down his back, to his tail-bone and then toto the front to rest on his hips. 

Soobin is shocked when yeonjun's hands leave his shoulders to move over his own. Worried for a second that he might've pushed too far, ready to move his hands back up or remove them if his boyfriend wanted. 

But Yeonjun moves his hands for them to rest over his thighs, he feels them trembling and his breath catches in his throat as realization hits him. 

It's not that Soobin had forgotten, he just hadn't given much thought to the fact that it would be a crucial factor in their intimacy. He had been so worried making sure his boyfriend was fine and comfortable that the fact that it was a physical thing too had escaped him. 

"We don't have to do anything you don't want baby" He said turning his hands to thread their fingers, because he needed Yeonjun to be sure. He knew it was a hard thing to come by, and he would never hold it against him if he decided right now wasn't the time. 

At that Yeonjun opened his eyes, his mouth felt dry. 

Perhaps he hadn't thought things through properly, he had never been the best at communicating. 

He pressed their lips together once again. "I want it. I want you bunny" He whispered against him. 

Soobin carefully lifts Yeonjun off him so he could lay him down in the bed again. 

Everything feels slowed down even when their pulses are going wild. Soobin goes to kiss every inch of displayed skin, starting from the forehead to his cheek-bones, a quick one on his nose and then his lips. 

Open mouthed and deep the kiss has Yeonjun forgetting everything for a few moments. 

Soobin continues the path down his neck, his shoulders and his chest, sometimes taking more time to leave marks that are sure to show in the morning. Hands clutching at his ribs he reaches his abs, the beautiful expanse of clear skin and tones muscle has Soobin swallowing hard. 

Yeonjun is too overwhelmed with the feeling, strangled noises leaving his mouth as Soobin licks at the skin that borders with his jeans. 

When he finally moves to open the button Yeonjun claws the sheets, anxiety settling in his chest. 

Soobin looks up at him for confirmation and Yeonjun just nods once. But instead of taking his jeans off, he grabs Yeonjun's arm and places a kiss where he wrote the words a few days ago, where little pink scars could be seen against the pale skin. 

Yeonjun averts his eyes at the action. 

_Here goes nothing._

Soobin moves to remove the jeans in measured movements, body suddenly feeling cold as the lack of fabric reveals what years of pain can do to a person with a heart too big. 

He had seen them only once. When he had found out about his boyfriend's situation, but at the moment he was so focused on cleaning and patching the wounds that he hadn't been able to really see. And every day after that the older had been really careful about the clothes he wore and where he changed. 

The otherwise flawed skin covered in healed flesh. Some are thin and faint and others are raised and an angry red; clearly deeper, all of them criss-crossing over the milk colored skin. 

His heart hurts. 

He moves forward to press his lips over the blemished skin and feels Yeonjun going stiff. 

"Baby" He whispers, not wanting to break the moment. He softly moves his fingers to feel the cuts while he waits for Yeonjun to open his eyes. 

He didn't even know when he had closed them. He felt very exposed and vulnerable, but most of all disgusted. 

He hated his scars. 

So when he felt Soobin runs his slender fingertips across them slowly, tracing them as if trying to memorize them he couldn't take it anymore. 

"You don't have to do that binnie" His eyes burned and he had to avert his eyes again as Soobin leaned forward to press his lips to the other thigh. He follows the pattern of scars with his lips, so lightly - a contrast to the tense muscles beneath him-. 

He didn't know what to make of it. Every kiss hurting as if he was reaching inside of him to pull his guts out, bleeding all over again, but comforting in a way that shouldn't make sense. 

"I know they are hideous. You don't have to look at them... Let alone..." His voice falters when the younger is suddenly in front of him, so close that he could feel his breath. 

"Nothing about you could ever be hideous." He says, earnest and serious. 

"God, if only you knew... " He continued. "How wonderful you are, how much you bring into everyone you come across, how you glow when you do something you love. You are just the most gorgeous person I've ever laid my eyes on" 

Tears were now falling freely from Yeonjun's eyes, his brain still refusing to believe this was really happening. 

"You are not disgusted?" He had to ask. 

Soobin furrowed his eyebrows. "Of course not. You are here with me right now...and your scars." A deep breath. "They just show how strong and brave you are. I love everything about you, everything hyung. There's nothing that could make me feel differently." 

Yeonjun's face is a kaleidoscope of emotions, raw and unfiltered. 

He moves forward and Soobin meets him halfway, the kiss reassuring in a way that takes the pressure off if Yeonjun's chest. 

"I'm so proud of you" Kiss. "So so happy you are here" Soobin's fingers cradle his face and he uses his thumbs to wipe the tear streaks. "I love you so much". 

Sometimes Yeonjun felt that Soobin made his heart beat too fast and he couldn’t react fast enough. 

He tilts his head up so the angle is better and he pushes his tongue out and Soobin obediently opens to him. The kiss getting heated and his body finally relaxing. 

Somehow with his mind fuzzy and drunk on the feeling of Soobin's mouth on him he managed to undo the fly on his pants and to pull them down. The fabric feeling offensive at the moment. 

The younger moves back to fully take them off and discards his underwear too, doing the same for yeonjun. 

When Soobin is back on him he can feel his body burning, painfully aware of every point where they are touching blissfully naked. He takes to bite patterns on Yeonjun's ribs, shaky breaths filling the room. 

"C'mere" He urges, pulling the other for a searing kiss that pulls a moan out of the older. Soobin's legs bracketing him and body beautiful and solid pressed to him, anchoring him. 

Soobin's hands move down to trace light circles over his hipbones and he carefully let's his body fall down, warning a choked moan from the older when their hardness rubs together. Tentatively they start rolling their hips and they both shiver at the feeling. 

They stay like that for a while, hands roaming and mapping. Committing to memory what pulls a certain sound from the other and what causes the best reaction. 

The air around them loaded and heavy, in the edge of boiling. 

"Are we going to...? Do you want to?" Yeonjun tried to ask, still a little unsure if Soobin could want him that way. 

Soobin dropped his head. "I..." 

_Oh._

Seeing his boyfriend's face drop he quickly corrected. "I don't want to hurt you" 

_The irony._

Yeonjun left a breath he didn't realize he had been holding, face softening. 

It was the first time for both and it was natural for Soobin to be nervous, he was too. It could be awkward and it was a level of intimacy neither were used to, but every worry paled besides the amount of love they felt for each other. 

It wasn't even about the sex, there was something deeper about it. A need to connect and to reassure each other in a physical way. 

_He is just too good for me._

"Hey bunny? Look at me?" When he did, he pressed a kiss to the younger's nose causing him to scrunch it up adorably. 

"You know I trust you right? I'm not going to break that easily. We'll work through it together and I will tell you if it becomes too much" He promised. 

That being said and after an assault of affection filled with kisses, giggles and some tickling. Soobin took his time preparing Yeonjun, slow and steady.   
He was biting his lip in concentration and it was just so him that Yeonjun would've laughed if he didn't find it so sexy and adorable at the same time. 

His hands were gripping soobin's biceps and he was trying hard to control the sounds threatening to come out his mouth. 

Encouraging words as "You are doing so good" "So pretty" And "Mine" Reached his ears, accompanied by worshipping hands that make Yeonjun's heart flutter. 

Soobin was mesmerized seeing his boyfriend come apart under him. Body flushed and hair a mess, little whimpers coming out of him as he keened. 

This foreplay was starting to be to much and Yeonjun was about to explode. He managed a quick "pleaseplease" In the haze of pleasure and Soobin seemed to get the hint. 

"Are you sure?" 

Knowing his boyfriend wouldn't take anything but at actual answer he replied. "I am. Please kiss me?"  
Soobin complied, kissing him senseless once again. 

He was nervous, but his body was vibrating in anticipation as the younger positioned himself between his legs. 

Soobin's tongue deep in his mouth, hands on his hips on a bruising grip Yeonjun felt the breach in his body, muscles tensing and relaxing. The pain wasn't horrible, but it definitely stung. 

His hands moved to Soobin's back, nails digging into the skin there. 

"Are you okay?" Came the question, one hand leaving his hip in favor of threadind their fingers together next to his head. 

"Yeah, Keep going" The statement punctuated by a squeeze of their intertwined hands. 

Soon Soobin was fully seated inside of him, Yeonjun's head rolled back in pleasure as his body got used to the intrusion. Everything felt like it was in its place. He felt complete. 

That's when he noticed Soobin shaking above him, probably from the strain of holding himself back. 

"You can move bunny" He said, caressing the planes of his back, his other hand down on his waist pulling him close. Encouraging. 

The first thrust had them both gasping hard, hips moving experimentally. 

In no time they picked a pace that worked for them, it was as if their bodies were made for this. 

To fit together. 

The room nothing but the lewd sounds of their bodies moving together, their kisses more teeth and breathing into each other than actual kisses. 

Yeonjun's legs came to wrap around Soobin's waist, back arching up the bed as heat settled at the bottom of his stomach. 

"Fuck. I love you so much bunny" 

"I love you too baby, always" He replied, sealing it with another press of their lips. 

Head spinning, every thought inside of him was Soobin. Soobin's smell, his taste, the feel of his hands and body. 

"Close" He manages, unable to form any more coherent words. Fire coiling tight in his stomach. 

"I've got you" Soobin murmurs. Lips ghostimg over his heated skin. 

They don't last much longer after that, both helping each other out to come from their high. Arms moving frantically to pull the other closer.   
Soobin falling on top of Yeonjun who welcomes him with open arms, quick to embrace him. One hand on his back and the other carding through his hair. 

〰🦊🐰〰 

Later in the night, the moon glowing through the windows in the room and sweat drying of their spent bodies they found themselves entangled in bed. 

They were laying side by side; legs entangled, Soobin's hand around yeonjun's waist and Yeonjun's fingers lightly brushing the expanses of the younger body.   
His fingers were light, the motion so soothing that Soobin was close to falling asleep. So content in the afterglow of their activities, he felt like he could float away. 

Yeonjun felt so comfortable, body warm and mind at peace for once. He would've stayed this way forever if he had the option. 

In moments like this -were quietness surrounded them and the world disappeared for a while - Yeonjun found it easier to reveal parts of himself. 

"Bunny" He broke the silence. Hand Coming to rest at Soobin's cheekbone, thumbs running under his eye. 

"Hm?" The other replied sleepily. 

"Thank you" 

That seemed to wake the younger, as his eyes opened widely to stare at him. 

"For what hyung?" He was a little confused. 

Yeonjun laughed a little. _Of course._

"For being patient with me, in this and in everything else." He could feel Soobin holding his breath. 

"For accepting me even with how tainted and marked I am. And most of all for being there for me always... You have no idea what you do to me. You really make everything a lot more bearable" 

Soobin took the hand that was on his face to press a kiss on his palm. 

"You have nothing to thank me for. I will be here always, I may not be able to fully get it and I may not be able to help much but you should know that you are safe with me. Whatever it is you need, I'll make sure to be there for you. " 

Yeonjun moved closer so their foreheads were resting together and Soobin moved their hands again so they were resting above his chest. Just were his heart was beating. 

The action so tender, yeonjun had to close his eyes to collect himself before he got too emotional. The steady beating under his palm leading his breathing, 

When he opened his eyes, the look of pure adoration and love in his boyfriend's eyes took the air out of his lungs. 

It was a look he was still having a hard time reconciling with the idea of him being worthy of. 

He just hoped he could give back and convey as much love as he was receiving. He felt it, but he was lacking in so much that he couldn't help but fear messing up and hurting the beautiful soul he had been blessed to come across.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there it goes. How are we feeling? 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. It is different from the others and it's special in it's own kind of way. I can't write smut to save my life, but I hope I conveyed the tenderness and vulnerability that the situation required.
> 
> Also, huge thanks for those of you who have stick with be through this story, specially those who leave comments. You seriously make my whole week and thosw words give me such a big push to keep writing. ❤✨ so thanks a lot. 
> 
> Ps: some of you were interested in Soobin having the talk with Tae and I really like that idea, so watch out for that soon!


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